30 Oct Dear Brody

I’ve been very open about losing your unborn brother over 5 years ago.  Coping with such a loss was extremely difficult as a family.  Many people have asked me how I got through the heartbreak and, I must admit, it all started with you.  It came from the knowledge that I had you to live for each and every day following my miscarriage.  I’ve shared about the therapy and journaling I did during that time, but, in all fairness, I might not have followed through with any of it if I didn’t have you.

Unfortunately, when we suffered the loss, I lived my life dwelling on what I didn’t have, instead of focusing on all I did have in my life.  As I took on each day, I didn’t feel like I was keeping one foot in front of the other.  I kept looking at all that I couldn’t provide.  Living for myself felt too difficult and my sadness weighed heavily on my shoulders.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but my world didn’t fall apart because I had an incredible son right in front of me, needing my guidance and attention.  When it came to caring for you, it was effortless and the distraction I needed to keep me going.  For that I want to thank you.

Distraction is an interesting concept.  It doesn’t take away the pain and heartache, but it can definitely move you in the right direction.  The first morning that I woke up knowing the baby I carried no longer had a heartbeat, I took a moment to weep.  I didn’t want to get up.  I honestly didn’t want to move.  I felt so undone and rattled; as if I couldn’t recognize my life.  This moment lasted no more than a minute, because before I could wallow in my self-pity, you walked in my room to greet us for the day.  I had a few seconds to quickly figure out how I would approach the topic with you.  I knew you would ask about the baby in mommy’s belly; much like you did every day since you found out you’d be a big brother.  After I gained the courage to tell you what happened, much like any child, you moved forward.  You played, sang, goofed off.  I didn’t have the energy to do the same, but parents don’t get a day off, not even on dreadful days like that one.  I didn’t put much thought into the days that followed, simply because I was absolutely broken.  But little by little, without even noticing, you were my glue.  You brought me back to life, piece by piece.  I became as whole as one can be after they lose a piece of their heart.

After losing your brother I felt numb; I felt weak; I felt hopeless; I felt defeated; I felt angry.  But I had you to wake up to and I had you to live for.  It doesn’t mean that my anger and fear went away, but you gave me more purpose to find resolution, balance, and reason.  And the older you’ve become, the more I realize this is your personality.  You find the light on the darkest days.  You give meaning when I feel hopeless.  Most of all, you are a breath of fresh air.  Brody, please know that although you were so young, so much of the strengths you exhibit today are what got me through then.

I love you always,
Mommy xoxo

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